


you're baking me crazy

by Blackbeyond



Series: Giveaway Fics [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Baker Eggsy, Baker Harry, Baking, Chalkboard Wars, Cupcake Wars AU, Fluff, Food Porn, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Misunderstandings, Other, Pining, Rivalry, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6349996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackbeyond/pseuds/Blackbeyond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Seriously Eggsy, it’s getting to the point I’m willing to risk being sued to have videos of you and Hart reacting to each other’s shop signs.”</p>
<p>“Why would get sued for-“</p>
<p>“That’s beside the point,” Roxy sighs, “can we focus on getting back to the shop? We have to get our menu ready for the bake-off.”</p>
<p>Right. The bake-off. Where he would be competing against Hart to see who had the better cupcake bakery in London. Where he and Hart would have to end their sign wars. Where he would actually have to confront Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're baking me crazy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Scandalmuss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scandalmuss/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [you're baking me crazy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12842154) by [Alliar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alliar/pseuds/Alliar), [dashustrik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashustrik/pseuds/dashustrik)



> Back in January, I announced the winners to my 1.5K follower giveaway! The first place winner was [@scandalmuss](http://scandalmuss.tumblr.com) on tumblr and she was promised a 2k fic as a prize! Um, this is a little longer than 2k. It pretty much got out of hand. So I hope you enjoy it :D

Fuck Harry Hart and the high horse he rode in on.

Not literally. No, that would be silly. Harry Hart wasn’t attractive in the least. Figuratively, Eggsy assures himself, figuratively fuck him. And his bakery. And his stupid smug existence.

The young man crosses his arms as he reads the sign in front of _Kingsman Bakery_ , the blackboard decorated with artistic chalk swirls with impeccable handwriting that spelled out: “We’ve got cupcakes in mugs. If you wanted pugs, check out _PugCakes_ in Downtown London, they’ve got pug hair for you.”

“What the fuck,” Eggsy bites out bitterly. “Is he saying I’ve got hair in my cakes?”

“Looks like it,” Roxy sighs, arms filled to the brim with groceries. “Eggsy, why are we taking the long way back to the shop?”

“Because he keeps slandering me!” the young baker shouts, waving his hands at the Kingsman sign, “I have to know what he’s saying so I can prove him wrong!”

“If you stopped reacting, he’d stop writing them,” Roxy deadpans, “you make a scene each time we walk by, and then write something equally as slanderous on our _Deal of the Day_ board!”

Eggsy blinks and flushes, looking down and away from Roxy’s disapproving glare.

“Seriously Eggsy, it’s getting to the point I’m willing to risk being sued to have videos of you and Hart reacting to each other’s shop signs.”

“Why would get sued for-“

“That’s beside the point,” Roxy sighs, “can we focus on getting back to the shop? We have to get our menu ready for the bake-off.”

Right. The bake-off. Where he would be competing against Hart to see who had the better cupcake bakery in London. Where he and Hart would have to end their sign wars. Where he would actually have to confront Harry.

“There, there,” Roxy murmurs, awkwardly patting a horrified Eggsy with the grocery bags still in her arms, “it’s going to be alright Eggsy. We’ve got this.”

\-------

They did not have this, Eggsy panics as another set of vegan cupcakes turns out too dry, Daisy sticking out her tongue as she rejects the treat.

“It’s not good Eggy,” Daisy says, giving him a thumbs down. “And the frosting is too sweet.”

“Thank you for your honesty starshine,” Eggsy says, pressing a kiss to his sister’s temple while he disposes of the failed dessert.

“No good?” Charlie asks, walking into the back with empty trays, the sound of chattering customers following him into the backroom.

“No. God, why does one of the potential categories have to be vegan?” Eggsy groans. “All the other categories make sense. Chocolate, layered cupcakes, mystery ingredient, and displays. Those all make sense. It’s testing out abilities.”

“Baking vegan also showcases your abilities,” Roxy shouts as she leaves the backroom, freshly iced cupcakes ready for the waiting customers. “Shows you can bake outside of your comfort zone.”

“She’s right,” Charlie agrees, handing Daisy a napkin for the frosting smeared on her face. “You have to learn how to bake more than what you’re used to, Eggy.”

“Alright, _Chezzy_ ,” Eggsy bites out, “I get it.”

Charlie smirks, clasping his hand onto Eggsy’s shoulder and squeezing before going back out front to help Roxy with the customers.

Bakeries involved in the Annual Valentine Bake-Off always got busy before the competition took place, Eggsy reminds himself, trying not to be too stressed about the fact that Roxy and Charlie couldn’t help him practice. Richmond Valentine enjoyed the dramatics of choosing two bakeries early in advance, letting the stores stew over the upcoming event and panic in preparation, and then announcing the lucky competitors to the public just weeks before the competition took place. Valentine assured him it was just for publicity, but Eggsy suspects that Valentine enjoys watching the competitors squirm.

Harry Hart better be suffering as much as he is.

\-------

Harry Hart was suffering, but for different reasons.

“What do you want Hart?” the curly haired man at the register growls, glaring down Harry as he stands in front of the other customers at _PugCakes._ “Trying to steal secrets from the competition?”

“Of course not!” Harry shot back, flustered and flushed. He’d come to talk to Eggsy about ending their chalkboard feud, wanting to go into the competition with good public relations. Of course, he came just as the door to Eggsy’s backroom had opened and seen Eggsy and a little girl, the young man wiping away stray batter from his face while she giggled.

Damn the Unwins for being so cute. No. Not cute. The Unwins were detestable and unattractive. Yes. That was right.

Harry shakes his head quickly and looks back at the cashier (the name tag said Charlie.)

“I need to talk to Unwin.”

“No chance,” Charlie bites out, smiling briefly at customers who walk into the store before turning a glare to the older man. “Not letting Eggsy get distracted right now. You’ll see him at the competition, where he’ll beat your arse.”

“Calm down, Charlie,” another worker chides him, her name tag reading Roxy, sliding a fresh batch of cupcakes into their place on the display case, “no need for that kind of language around the customers.”

The boy deflates, properly reprimanded. “Sorry Rox.”

The girl smiles brightly and presses a kiss to his cheeks before wandering off to help someone with an inquiry about the cupcake ingredients. Harry looks expectantly at Charlie, thinking that he’ll fetch Eggsy for him now that he’s been scolded by his girlfriend? Friend? Oh, who cared?

It takes a while for Charlie to notice he’s still there, and instead of going to get Eggsy, he snorts.

“Yeah, still not letting you talk to him, piss off.”

\-------

In hindsight, maybe Roxy shouldn’t have told Eggsy that Harry Hart had come to the bakery.

She sighs as she packages away the leftover cupcakes to send to the children’s homes and orphanages, Charlie in the back trying to keep Eggsy calm as he freaked out. Honestly, there was a competition coming up, he had better things to worry about. He didn’t need this crisis over his attraction to his rival.

“Hart was here?! Today?!”

“Eggsy, calm down, he probably just wanted to sabotage you, get your recipes,” Charlie sighs, ever the optimist. Eggsy makes a weird sound, a cross between a whine and groan, burying his face in his hands.

“But why?” he cries, “the competition is in two weeks, he has to get ready too!”

“Are…are you worried about his ability to complete?” Charlie asks, incredulous at Eggsy’s behavior. “Eggy _no_.”

“We all know he has a crush on Harry,” Roxy interjects, having completing her task of stacking the leftover cupcakes for delivery. Eggsy whines again and hides his face while Charlie blinks slowly.

“A crush?” Charlie seethes, “you’re going to risk this bakery’s reputation in a nationally televised and highly anticipated competition over a crush?”

“I’m not!” Eggsy protests, looking away from Charlie and Roxy’s skeptical glances. “I’m not,” he repeats, mostly to himself.

“I can’t believe this,” Charlie mutters, storming out the backdoor, leaving Eggsy looking guilty in his kitchen, an exasperated Roxy beside him.

“Don’t listen to Charlie, Eggsy,” Roxy says, wrapping her arms around her best friend’s trembling shoulders, “you know he’s being a hypocritical prick. We wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t risked his family’s fortune by helping you starting this bakery.”

“Nice t’know ya thought it wuzza risk t’help me start up,” Eggsy grumbles, his accent growing more pronounced from stress.

“You know what I mean. New businesses are always a risk,” Roxy tsks. Eggsy conceded and looked up at Roxy with sad and watery blue eyes, the picture of hurt innocence.

“What do I do Rox?” What should he do about Hart? About the cupcake competition?

“You’re going to kick his arse,” Roxy says simply. Eggsy coughs out a laugh and grins. He could do that.

\-------

It was really hard to think about kicking Harry Hart’s arse when the older gentleman sent cupcakes to the shop with the simple message of _truce?_ written across them. Not even ugly cupcakes either, but beautiful and moist chocolate cupcakes with light cream icing and a sugar sculpted flower adorning the message.

“ _Roxy,_ ” he hissed upon opening the container, “Roxy what do I do? What is this? Is this genuine? Is it a trick? Is someone trying to help out by giving me Hart’s signature cupcake so I can steal the recipe?”

“Maybe he just wants a truce,” Roxy suggests, looking over his shoulder. “It’s not a crime to want to go into a competition as friends.”

“Steal the recipe!” Charlie hollers from where he’s supervising Daisy, the young girl trying her hand at icing flowers. Three unimpressed faces turn towards Charlie, but the young man shrugs unapologetically. It hadn’t taken him long to return to the bakery the other day, a sheepish look on his face after Roxy had texted him about his stupidity. A simple apology, a punch to the face from both Roxy and Eggsy, and everything was alright again.

“I’m going to accept his truce,” Eggsy announces suddenly. Charlie opens his mouth to protest, but Eggsy’s face is set with determination and he decides to let his friend make his own decisions. It was Eggsy’s bakery after all.

Eggsy turns to the display case, grabbing a few of his red velvet cupcakes adorned with a thick but not-so-sweet cream cheese icing on top and putting them in a small delivery box. Daisy jumps on over with her icing flowers and places them on top with the icing scissors, watching as Eggsy adjusts them slightly to make room for the word okay that he pipes on top.

“You want me to take it Eggy?” Daisy asks, hands open to receive the package. Eggsy considers it, calculating in his head the distance.

“Take JB with you,” Eggsy decides, and Daisy nods, whistling for the sweet pug. JB was a gentle dog, but if Daisy was threatened, he wouldn’t hesitate to attack. Eggsy trusted JB to watch Daisy.

\-------

Merlin was so done.

Like, actually done. Harry and the Unwin boy had resorted to writing on cupcakes. That was a whole new level of pining.

He takes the cupcakes from the young girl, her eyes bright with her youth and mischievousness. The pug at her feet somehow copied the look, panting happily as Merlin sets the cakes to the side.

“Please deliver that to Mr. Hart,” the girl says, staring Merlin down for a bit before she happily skips off, the dog barking at her heels.

Well, at least they were entering the competition with a truce.

\-------

“Welcome to the tenth annual Valentines Bake-off!” Richmond Valentine booms, waving his hands around happily as he shouted more generic greetings to the crowd of people who had gathered for the competition. Gazelle, his assistant, looked bored beside him, but also waved upon prompting.

“Now, as you know, each year I pick two of the most popular and delicious bakeries in London and surrounding areas to compete for a grand prize of one million pounds, as well as the Valentine stamp of approval! This year, I have the honor of introducing you all to _PugCakes_ , owned by Eggsy Unwin and his friends, Roxanne Morton and Charlie Hesketh! His competition will be reigning champ, _Kingsman Bakery_ , owned by Harry Hart and um, seems the name has been redacted, but he goes by Merlin!”

There’s a scattering of applause as Eggsy and Harry step forward, the two men avoiding eye contact as they take their places at their stations.

“Now, this year we have a panel of amazing judges! First, Princess Tilde! She was a Swedish princess with a love of food, so she turned down the throne to pursue cooking full-time. She’s the star of _Feeding Swedes_ , and the author of three best-selling cookbooks!”

A petite blonde waves regally from her seat, a smile plastered to her face before it slips into a glare at Valentine. The glare disappears almost as fast as it appears.

“Another judge, Mr. James…what the fuck, do you all have redacted names? Who cares, he’s better known by the name Chef Lancelot! Beside him is his husband, and our third judge, Alistair whatever-his-last-name-is!” Gazelle poked Valentine and pointed something out on his board. The host squinted. “Also known as Percival apparently? Anyway, they co-own three award winning restaurants and have their own show, _Knight Life_ , some kind of bullshit pun about their heritage and traveling to eat food at night!”

A pair of smartly dressed men wave from their seats. The man with glasses, Percival, looked almost ready to kill Valentine, whereas his partner was laughing up a storm while not-so-subtly flipping off the host.

“This is on national television right?” Eggsy confirms with Roxy, watching in amazement at the behavior of their host and judges. Roxy shrugged while Charlie peers over her shoulder at the committee before them.

“We have other things to worry about,” the curly haired menace whispers, “like the fact that Lancelot and Percival are close friends of Hart!”

Eggsy felt the world stop.

“What?” he hisses back, eyes wildly going between the judges and a perfectly calm Harry. Charlie nods, looking down at an article he’d pulled up on his phone.

“Harry Hart, once known as Galahad, greets old friends at the opening of his new bakery, _Kingsman Bakery_. Hart exited the culinary world swiftly, following the fall of Chester King (the once world-renowned chef, Arthur) after King was arrested for laundering money from _Kingsman_ , the now closed award winning restaurant known for their golden symbol and elegant aesthetic. Percival, Lancelot, and Merlin are also noted to have taken a break, but the latter appeared again not three months later with a cookbook to his name.

“Percival and Lancelot booked deals with the Cook It Yourself Network a month later, while it took Galahad two years before showing his face again. His new bakery is a delight, and “a refreshing change of pace” according to the ex-chef.”

“Fuck,” Eggsy almost cries, feeling his chances of winning the competition slowly slip away as he processes the information. It doesn’t help when Lancelot waves happily at Harry from his seat.

\-------

“Fuck,” Harry curses, reluctantly waving back to James. “Shit fuck tits.”

“Alright there Harry?” Merlin asks, sorting away their baking equipment.

“No I’m not fucking alright, what are James and Alistair doing here? This is going to look like blatant favoritism if I win!”

What if Eggsy thought he rigged the competition?

“Calm down Hart,” Merlin sighs, “I’m sure your boy doesn’t think that.”

Did he say that out loud?

“Yes.”

Oh. Harry looks over at Eggsy’s station and frowns, seeing the young man’s shoulders shake while his friends gathered around him. Was the boy okay?

He doesn’t get to wonder for long, standing to attention when Valentine coughs into his microphone and the cameras begin to film again.

\-------

“This competition will have three rounds,” Valentine explains, reading off of cards that Gazelle holds in front of him. The cameraman, his name is Josh, finally decides not to care about making Mr. Valentine look good on camera, letting everyone see the millionaire…billionaire? read off of cue cards. Instead, Josh has his crew focus on the competitors, both freaking out for some reason right now. The audio director is still focusing on Valentine, but Josh looks over at the audio assistant, Terry, a talented kid that was an amazing lip reader, who was writing down everything that Unwin and Hart were saying to their assistants.

Oh my god this was amazing.

\-------

“The first round is a simple chocolate cupake!” Eggsy overhears, and he shakes himself out of his panic, looking up at Valentine. “Or maybe not so simple, considering contestants will have to use two of these ingredients on the table!”

Eggsy looks at the table and almost cries at the selection. Cries with happiness that is. Thank fuck he’d been practicing making basic cupcakes out of strange foods, expecting Valentine to pull something like this on him.

“Ginger, kale, eggplant, jalapenos, those are normal,” Roxy murmurs, “we can do that, but how the hell does one use fish, spaghetti, shrimp or-“ she pauses looking closer at the table, “is that durian? I think that’s durian.”

“Ginger and chocolate is amazing,” Charlie remarks, “how is that a weird ingredient? And kale is easy enough to mask the flavor while leaving texture.”

“Valentine is a tech genius, not a baker,” Roxy reminds him, “and Gazelle keeps him on diet, so he doesn’t have special baked goods often. This competition is his way of getting a taste of unique sweets.”

“How do you know that?” Eggsy asks, tuning out Valentine’s rambling. Roxy shrugs.

“Gazelle and I follow each other on Twitter.”

“Wonderful,” Eggsy sighs, “now we have an unfair advantage too.”

“We have an equal advantage,” Roxy sighs, “considering Percival and Lancelot are my uncles. It doesn’t make a difference, they’re judging on taste, not who they like best.”

\-------

Josh could cry, the look on Unwin’s face was priceless.

\-------

“One thing, however,” Valentine says, coming back to the competition, his ranting about a green earth forgotten as Harry brings his attention back to the host, “each contestant chooses one ingredient that his opponent has to use!”

Oh, well this could be fun.

…

Never mind, this wasn’t fucking fun, Harry curses to himself as he shells the shrimps that Unwin had happily given him. Merlin was beside him, hastily chopping the jalapenos they had chosen, while trying to recall a spicy chocolate cupcake recipe they had used long ago. It wouldn’t completely mask the shrimp taste for the cake, but hopefully would complement it so that their submission didn’t turn out like total shite.

Harry throws a glance over at Eggsy’s- no, Unwin’s- station, watching as the boy grated the ginger root they’d selected, while his assistants tackled the stinking fruit that had been on the table, Charlie making a face while harvesting the silken meat from the durian.

“What are you making?” Gazelle asks, face indifferent as the camera crew circled his baking station, focusing on the shrimp in Harry’s hands.

“We’ll be making our signature spicy chocolate cupcake,” he says, washing the shrimp in his station’s sink, making sure the shells and guts have been removed before patting them dry. “The shrimp is a bit of a challenge, however we’re ready to take it on. I believe we’ll keep the shrimp intact for this cupcake.”

“Sounds disgusting,” Gazelle mutters for the cameras and wanders towards Unwin’s station.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Harry grumbles.

\-------

“What are you making?” Gazelle sighs, directing the cameras to look at what the three person team was doing.

“We’re making a durian cream filled chocolate cupcake with a honey ginger buttercream frosting,” Eggsy says offhandedly as he carefully carries his tray of cupcakes to the oven. Charlie makes an affirmative noise as he stirs the durian filling, occasionally tasting it to make sure it retained its distinct taste, but would blend well with the chocolate.

“Honey ginger?” Gazelle blinks, directing her inquiry to Roxy, her friend making the frosting.

“Well, ginger is a bit overpowering by itself for frosting,” Roxy explains, whipping the butter for the frosting, “so we’re balancing the spice with a small amount of durian honey and butter.”

“Cool…” Gazelle drawls, shrugging and walking back to Valentine while the camera crew continued to show the live audience what the bakers were doing.

“Nice lady,” Charlie scoffs, tasting the durian filling once more before declaring it ready.

\-------

“It’s the end of the first round!” Valentine said excitedly, sitting with the judges while the cameras focused in on Harry Hart and Eggsy Unwin carrying over their cupcakes. “Let’s see what our contestants have for us!”

“Galahad,” Lancelot purrs, “what _do_ you have for us darling?”

Harry rolls his eyes and takes his cupcakes from his tray to give to each of the judges and the host. It looks nondescript, Harry notes, feeling pleased with himself. Just a regular chocolate cupcake on the outside.

“What I have for you today is a spicy chocolate cupcake with an olive oil infused vanilla icing and pan-seared shrimp.”

“I’m sorry a what?” Princess Tilde asks, looking at the cupcake placed in front of her. It looked…like a regular cupcake? Lancelot and Percival had the same looks on their face, carefully peeling back the cupcake liner and prodding the chocolate cake with their dessert forks. Valentine had already shoved his cupcake in his mouth, making comments around his mouthful while the judges dissected their own.

“The cake is surprisingly moist,” Percival remarks, pleasantly surprised by the consistency that melded well with the hint of heat the jalapenos provided.

“Oh the shrimp is in the center!” Lancelot exclaims, the pink flesh peeking out as he takes another bite of cake. He cuts off part of the shrimp with his fork and adds it to his forkful of cake. “Well, the flavors do go together, however the shrimp is a little overcooked. Not as overcooked as I’d expected, but it’s leaving a weird texture in my mouth.”

“I’ll have to agree with Lancelot.” Tilde takes a bite of the shrimp, cake, and icing together. “I do have to say that the flavors all go very well together, regardless of texture. The frosting is savory, with a hint of sweetness, which helps to keep the chocolate and shrimp from overpowering each other.”

“Thank you,” Harry says graciously, stepping back and letting Valentine introduce Eggsy.

UNWIN. Dammit.

“I’ve got a creamy treat for you today!” Eggsy announces cheekily, winking at the judges as he lays out his cupcakes before them. Tilde blushes a little, and Lancelot shamelessly winks back, while Percival holds back his husband.

“It’s a chocolate cake with a creamy durian center,” he explains as the judges cut into their cupcakes. “The frosting is a durian honey and ginger buttercream frosting.”

“I hate durian,” Percival mutters, and Eggsy freezes before glaring at Hart. The older man just smiles back happily, unconcerned by the heat of the boy’s gaze.

“I do like this though,” Percival continues, and the look on Hart’s face drops. It’s Eggsy’s turn to grin now, and he does, turning his attention back to the judge. “The choice to make a cream filling was a good one. It eliminates the stringy texture of the durian flesh, and blends well with the chocolate cake.”

“The durian honey was a good choice too,” Tilde adds, taking another piece of frosting to try separately. “It helps meld the flavors of the frosting and cupcake, and it mutes the ginger so I can taste the spice, but the ginger doesn’t take over the dish.”

“And it doesn’t stink like a rotting corpse!” Lancelot says brightly. Valentine chuckles at that, and the camera focuses in on the positive reactions.

\-------

“Fucking shrimp! Really Eggsy?” Harry hisses, pulling the younger man into the bathroom while Valentine announced a clean-up break before the second round. “Why?”

“You gave me durian, you can’t really complain,” Eggsy teases, allowing Harry to crowd him into a wall, bringing his arms around Harry’s neck.

“You’re the devil, I swear,” the older man sighs, bringing their lips together sweetly, a quick kiss for reassurance and luck.

“Hey, you decided to date me,” Eggsy laughs, kissing down the side of Harry’s face, nuzzling his cheek as they savored the other’s presence.

“I’m going to be so happy when this competition is over,” he says after a few minutes, running his hands through Harry’s hair, “I’m kind of getting tired of pretending to hate you. The chalkboard sign wars and having Daisy run cupcakes back and forth was getting ridiculous.”

“I tried to end the charade not too long ago, but Charlie wouldn’t let me see you.”

“Chezzy is just looking out for me, surprisingly.” Eggsy’s tone is soft and pleased.

“Eggsy?”

Speak of the devil, Eggsy thinks, Charlie’s voice carrying into the restroom from the hallway.

“Eggy, they’re about to start filming again!”

Pressing one last quick kiss to Harry’s cheek, Eggsy quickly leaves the restroom, breathing out a sigh of relief when Charlie’s back is to him.

“What’s up Chezzy?” he asks, hooking his arm around his friend’s neck, cackling at Charlie’s sputtered surprise.

They’re almost back to the filming area when Eggsy catches a glimpse of Harry leaving the bathroom. He offers his boyfriend a salute before he puts his competition face back on. Two more rounds.

\-------

“Worked it out with your boy?” Merlin asks, once Harry takes his place at their competition station.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry warns, eyeing the audio crew that seemed awfully close by. Valentine had begun talking again, reviewing the judges remarks over the first round and reading out some tweets sent out by fans of the broadcast.

“I’d like a piece of Eggsy’s cupcake! Harry has my hart! Gazelle looks like she could kill someone with her thighs! Really…supportive guys!” Valentine laughs, reading the tweets from his phone, “I’ll be reading these while our two bakers go on to round two! Remember, if you want to tweet about this event, use the hashtag ValentineBakeOff!”

Gazelle takes his phone while Valentine pats his jacket pockets for the rules for round two. The tall woman looks happier than before, preening as she takes a peek at twitter. Harry doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone so happy to have been complimented on literally killer thighs.

“Alright bakers! Round one, we tested your abilities to create delicious cupcakes from unconventional ingredients! For round two, you will be baking us a traditional cupcake, but you will serve it deconstructed!”

“So you put the icing in a bowl and have the cake on the side,” Merlin mutters, unimpressed by this challenge. Valentine snaps his head over in Merlin’s direction, frown on his face.

“Is that not interesting enough for you Mr. Merlin?” Valentine asks, tucking his cards back into his jacket. Harry curses, facepalming while Merlin stands straight and meets Valentine’s eyes.

“Boring,” Merlin agrees, rolling up his sleeves.

Valentine walks slowly over to their station, and the camera crew hurries after, zooming the cameras onto the two men’s faces.

“Alright then,” Valentine whispers, now right in front of Merlin. “You want a challenge? You’ve got one. You’ll be making a gluten-free vegan cupcake for this new challenge, with the secret ingredient, Orange Julius.”

“Fuck all kinds of duck,” Harry sighs, banging his head on the table while Merlin agrees to the round. He can hear the snickering coming from Eggsy’s station.

\-------

“Do you want the same challenge?” Gazelle asks them, still scrolling through Twitter while Valentine and Merlin continue their glaring match.

“We ought to keep it fair,” Eggsy says, before Charlie can eagerly accept a round skewed in their favor. Roxy nods in agreement while Charlie’s face drops. Gazelle looks up in surprise, but then decides she doesn’t care and shrugs, walking back over to Valentine to relay their decision.

“We’ll be fine Charlie,” Roxy comforts her boyfriend while Eggsy momentarily walks away, “we brought all our vegan and gluten-free ingredients. Not to mention, we have made a gluten-free vegan recipe before that was mostly successful for that one PTA meeting.”

“Fuck Helen and her brownies,” Eggsy chirps, carrying said ingredients back to them and setting them on their work station.

“Are you ready bakers?” Valentine bites out, returning to his seat but still angry and bitter, “you have forty-five minutes. Go.”

“Alright, Orange Julius,” Eggsy mutters to himself, writing out the known ingredients for the orange crème treat, “so that’s frozen orange juice concentrate, milk, vanilla extract, sugar, and ice usually right?”

“Right,” Roxy agrees, “so for that part we just need to use soy or almond milk, maybe cashew depending on which brand we brought.”

“And a protein powder,” Charlie remarks, digging through their ingredients, “since substitute milk isn’t usually as thick as whole milk.”

“Vanilla protein powder then,” Eggsy decides, “if you’ll get started on making the Orange Julius then please Charlie?”

While Charlie begins to portion out ingredients, always keeping quantity relatively smaller than it should be so he could make adjustments, Eggsy and Roxy went over their recipe.

“Orange crème goes with a vanilla cupcake right?” Eggsy wonders, “we could make the drink a part of the frosting.”

“Too easy,” Roxy says, shaking her head, “we might have to tie it into the cupcake and frosting instead.”

“That’d be too overpowering,” Eggsy disagrees, “maybe make an orange cake and have the crème be in the frosting?”

“That may work.” Roxy writes out their gluten-free vegan cupcake recipe and looks down the ingredients list. “Yeah, that should work.”

“Then let’s get started.”

\-------

“So, we’re fucked,” Merlin comments, staring down at the empty paper in front of himself and Harry. Eggsy and his team had started baking already, sifting ingredients and making what looked like orange juice in a blender. Meanwhile, the _Kingsman_ team was wracking their brains for a recipe that would work.

“How have we never made a gluten-free and vegan cupcake before?” Harry whispers to himself, drawing a blank every time he thought he had a recipe. “We cater to all those pretentious PTA moms that Eggsy hates dealing with all the time.”

“I think you usually directed them to him.” Merlin rummages through their supplies and pulls out a flour mix in a mason jar labeled _shit_. “I think I found the gluten-free flour mix though.”

“I guess we’ll just go with it,” Harry sighs, “let’s get inventive.”

\-------

“So, Merlin keeps calling Unwin ‘Hart’s boy’?” Josh asks, glancing down at Terry’s notes. “Huh, that could be interesting.”

“I heard them talking together in the bathroom,” Terry reveals, taking a break from writing and stretching his arms, “they’re totally fucking.”

“…This is amazing,” Josh almost cries.

\-------

“This is going better than expected,” Eggsy observes, the cupcake batter settling at the right consistency as he finishes mixing in the sunflower seed oil, sugar, and vanilla extract. “We should be good for putting them in the liners now.”

“That smells amazing,” Charlie sniffs the batter, catching hints of orange, but nothing overpowering.

“And it looks great,” Roxy adds, coming up behind Eggsy with the cupcake pans, lined and ready. “It won’t be too orange, it’s subtle.”

“You wanna make some decorations while the cupcakes bake?” Eggsy asks, portioning out the batter while Charlie returns to making the frosting.

“White chocolate straw forms?” Roxy offers, to which Eggsy grins widely in approval. They totally had this round in the bag.

\-------

“Have I told you lately that I hate you,” Harry sings a la Rod Stewart, staring at the lumpy mess of a batter that he’d created. This was their third attempt at a semi-decent mix, and sadly their best one thus far. Truth be told, Harry never saw a reason to experiment with gluten-free or vegan recipes, as he had started the business for fun, to create sweet treats for him and his friends. He had never learned any other than traditional recipes that he could alter and expand, and never saw any reason to try anything else.

Of course, now this was coming back to bite him in the arse.

“We have to put something in the oven,” Merlin sighs, taking the batter and pouring it into liners, wincing at every lump that splashes batter all over the pan. “We only have thirty minutes left.”

“Fuck,” Harry curses, grabbing the KitchenAid. “Get that in the oven, I’ll figure out something for the icing.”

There was no orange flavor in the cupcake, instead it was as close to vanilla as possible. So the orange crème flavor would have to be in the frosting. Harry stares at the the mixing bowl with dread. They were definitely losing this round.

\-------

“Alright alright alright!” Valentine calls out once the timer has beeped, forty-five minutes having gone by. He’s changed into a bright orange suit jacket, smiling next to the judges who he’s given orange-shaped pins to wear. Lancelot looks delighted, pinning his orange proudly over his breast pocket, while the other two judges pin theirs onto their sleeves, cringing at the neon orange color.

“Let’s see how our bakers did! I’m looking forward to these cupcakes!”

This time Eggsy steps out first, the smile on his face as bright as the orange Valentine is wearing as he places his treats before the judges. Lancelot lets out a pleased noise, poking at the white chocolate “straw”, appreciating the simplicity of the decoration and how cute it was.

“We have for you an orange cupcake with a creamy vanilla frosting and white chocolate straw,” Eggsy presents, stepping back as the judges take out their forks.

“I see you attempted to “deconstruct” the Orange Julius,” Tilde remarks, trying the cake and frosting separately as she tended to do, before having a bit of everything at once. “And it is delicious.”

Eggsy nods as Percival speaks up, “the orange cupcake isn’t overwhelmingly orange, which is good. Overdoing orange can produce a medicinal flavor that you’ve avoided. And the frosting is very creamy.”

“Is good,” Lancelot mumbles around a mouthful of cupcake. Eggsy feels excitement rise in his chest, feeling victory coming that much closer to him.

A frazzled Harry presents the judges with his cupcakes next, trying to keep his features blank as not to give away the panic he felt. The cupcakes didn’t look bad, they were actually pretty cute with a soft orange frosting, but only Harry and Merlin were currently aware of the partially baked mess within the cupcake lining.

“We have for you a vanilla cupcake with an Orange Julius frosting.”

“Harry, Galahad, what are you doing here mate?” Lancelot sighs after gagging on the wet and lumpy mess of batter that was in the center of the cupcake. “This is disappointing.”

Tilde diligently attempted to swallow the failed cupcake, but the texture and taste became too much, and she politely spat out the bite she’d taken into her napkin. Harry felt like that was her review for the round.

“Well, you achieved that medicinal orange,” Percival coughs, pushing away the almost untouched cupcake.

“Well, we all know who won that round,” Valentine laughs, a vindictive smile shot at Merlin. Harry wants to both murder his friend and hide his face for a little while. Luckily, the cameramen dropped their cameras, indicating another break while the cupcake stations were cleaned again.

\-------

“Harry, Harry look at me,” Eggsy murmurs, cradling Harry’s face between his hands, hating how tired and frustrated his lover looked. The older man leans into Eggsy’s touch, forehead still covered in worried wrinkles.

“That was a disaster,” Harry almost cries. He’s never felt like a failure before, but the humiliation of having his first failed cupcake broadcast live across the nation has him defeated. “They might as well give you the prize now.”

“What the hell is this?” Eggsy almost growls, and Harry’s head shoots up, eyes taking in the fury on Eggsy’s face. “I know damn well you aren’t giving up.”

“There’s no way I can come back from this.”

“That doesn’t mean you give up. What the hell Harry? You’ve never given up on anything before! Not when you was starting up Kingsman and business was slow for months and you was losing money by the thousands, not even when my mum fuckin’ threw us out of her house when she found out we was dating! You never let anything stop you from going after what you wanted, and you’re about to _throw the competition?”_

Eggsy’s lithe frame shakes in anger while his eyes grew blurry with tears. He hated seeing Harry like this, but like hell he was going to let Harry go into round three having given up.

“Do you know what you’re going to do Harry?” Eggsy asks, “you’re going out there for round three and you’re going to do your damned best to kick my arse. Is that clear?”

Harry looks at Eggsy, sees how his shoulders are shaking, sees the fierceness in his gaze, feels how much Eggsy cares. He smiles and closes his eyes, nodding, reaching out and holding Eggsy to his chest.

“As you wish,” he replies cheekily, pressing a kiss to Eggsy’s forehead.

“I ain’t no Princess Buttercup,” Eggsy scoffs, but he wriggles closer to Harry, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. No words are spoken as Harry practically absorbs Eggsy’s love and affection, breathing in the scent of cupcakes clinging to Eggsy’s skin, enjoying the constant presence of Eggsy’s hand running up his back and over his shoulders.

“We good to go back out?” Eggsy whispers, knocking his forehead against Harry’s.

“We’re good,” Harry says with one final kiss.

\-------

“And it’s time for round three!” Valentine is back in a neutral coat, though a cupcake-print baseball cap is now on his head. The cameramen are circling the competition set, so Harry doesn’t risk a glance over at Eggsy, steeling himself with a look of determination when a camera zooms in on his face. Eggsy is doing something similar, though he relaxes with Charlie and Roxy at his back.

“We’re going to do something a little different for the third round. No secret ingredients, no sabotages, but you have to make a cupcake from someone who inspires you,” Valentine reads from his cards. “Family, friends, significant others, your dog…if they inspire you, make a cupcake for them, and when it’s time to judge, you’ll tell them why.”

Harry and Merlin exchange glances before Harry looks over at Eggsy with a small smile on his face. He knew what it was time to do.

\-------

The third round goes by faster than the previous two. Eggsy feels like he barely had time to bake his cakes or make the decorations for them, but the finished products are sitting before him, bright and cheerful, and he thinks he might be able to win.

“What do you have for us, Mr. Unwin?” Princess Tilde asks, smiling at daisy decorated cupcake before her.

“It’s a Daisy Cupcake,” Eggsy explains, blushing slightly knowing that Daisy was watching him compete from home. “It’s inspired by my little sister, Daisy, who loves lavender and vanilla flavors. She was my number one cheerleader when I opened up my store, she helped me decorate it and is also my taste tester. She’s inspired me and many cake flavors in my store, but I’ve never actually given her her own flavor. So we’ve got a lavender cupcake with a buttercream filling. The icing is also a vanilla buttercream with a gentle addition of lemon juice and a fondant Daisy on the top.”

“That’s so cute,” Lancelot whispers, picking up the cupcake and taking a chunk out of it. “And it tastes good!”

“Constructive comments,” Percival reminds his husband as Lancelot demolishes the treat.

“Right! So, the lavender cake was delicious and the color wasn’t obnoxious. I know you said you had lemon in your icing, and though the flavor is there, it’s an afterthought. If you want to do something, go for it, don’t pull back. The buttercream filling was delicious and not too sweet, which was also good.”

“Thank you,” Eggsy says, looking over to Percival who had also finished his cake.

“I agree with Lancelot on the icing front, the lemon was almost non-existent. The lavender, however, was prominent without tasting too much like floral. Well done.”

“I actually would have preferred a little more lavender in mine,” Tilde adds in, dabbing at her mouth with her napkin, “I thought the lavender was a little muted. All in all, the flavors meshed together well.”

“Thank you both very much.” Eggsy looks behind him to make sure Roxy is taking notes of the criticisms, smiling in the meantime as Harry gets up to present his cupcakes.

“And what do you have for us, Galahad?” Lancelot teases, admiring the sleek yet playful design of Harry’s desserts.

“It’s an Eggsy cupcake,” Harry announces, and Eggsy whips his head to stare at his boyfriend.

“What?”

\-------

“An…Eggsy cupcake?” Princess Tilde asks, blinking for a moment before pointing at Eggsy, “like that Eggsy?”

“The very same,” Harry agrees.

“What are you doing?” Eggsy hisses, turning his head so the camera crew couldn’t pick up what he was saying.

“Eggsy, there’s no one else who inspires me, but you,” Harry answers, turning to face his lover. “And I’m tired of pretending, so I’m putting it out for everyone to see.”

“You fuckin’ sap,” Eggsy sighs, leaning into Harry, while Charlie gaps at the sight in front of him, a smug Roxy taking pictures with her iPhone.

“What is this?” Valentine murmurs to Gazelle, “what do I do?”

“Leave them.” His assistant doesn’t look up from her phone, too busy trying to beat the current level of Angry Birds she was on. “Just wait until the round is over.”

“Alright, so an Eggsy cupcake. Why does this young man inspire you?” Percival asks, taking a bite.

“Eggsy has been my partner for a year,” Harry reveals, “though we’ve been pretending to be bitter rivals for the sake of this competition. Though he started his business long after I did, I admired how he didn’t cut corners when it came to his cupcakes and customers. There was no dishonesty in his practices, he’s very passionate in his art and in making sure everyone is taken care of. I fell in love almost instantly.”

“I can’t believe this,” Charlie mutters.

“Shut up,” Roxy hisses, live tweeting the event as Eggsy made doe eyes at his boyfriend.

“It’s an egg tart cupcake.” Harry presses a kiss to Eggsy’s forehead. “He became quite obsessed with egg tarts after a dim sum brunch. So the bottom half of the cupcake is a light vanilla, the egg tart on top, with a small layer of custard between the two halves. A candy egg is in the center.”

“It’s delicious,” Tilde declares, “it’s also quite savory despite the vanilla cake and custard. What I would expect from an egg cupcake.”

“This tastes just like the egg tarts you can get at the dim sum place by my house,” Lancelot accuses, “I can’t believe you took your boyfriend there and didn’t tell me.”

“The egg tart is rather well done, though I don’t care for the candy egg,” Percival adds. 

“Thank you.”

“Well, it’s time for our judges to deliberate over the last three round to decide the winner!” Valentine cuts in, a wide smile plastered on his face. “We’ll have the results for you after a word from our sponsors, and a performance by Iggy Az- what do you mean she canceled. Gazelle, you need to tell me these things! Who’s the replacema- well okay then! Rude. A performance by Little Mix!”

The cameras turned away as footage was reviewed and the audio techs gathered around their equipment to make sure everything was still working.

“How long has this been going on?” Charlie confronts Eggsy. The taller man looked upset and hurt, arms folded across his chest while Roxy sighs behind him.

“You heard Harry, a year,” Merlin interjects, joining Harry and the three-man team.

“Shut up _Archibald_ , this isn’t about you. Why didn’t you tell me? Roxy clearly knew already!”

“No one knew except for Daisy and Merlin,” Eggsy sighs, still leaned up against Harry, the older man’s arms wrapped around him. “I don’t know why Rox isn’t surprised.”

“You made it quite obvious. I’ve never seen you hate someone so quickly, it was awfully suspicious. Especially when you kept pawning Daisy off on me and Charlie for ‘nights alone.’”

“I could’ve just needed a night alone!” Eggsy says indignantly.

Roxy shakes her head. “People don’t come pick up their sisters with bruised lips and hickeys after a ‘night alone.’”

Oh, well, maybe she had a point.

“Just, let me know about things like this, okay?” Charlie asks, shuffling his feet. “I yelled at Hart over here a little while ago, and if I’d know you were dating I would’ve let him talk to you.”

“Sorry Chezzy.”

The five stood in silence for a moment, everyone processing the information that had been revealed all at once.

“Wait, how the fuck did you know my name?” Merlin shouts suddenly, turning to glare at Charlie.

“My dad does legal work of Kingsman,” Charlie scoffs, “and your name is on everything. Archibald Knight.”

“Oh my god,” Eggsy mouths at Harry, staring wide eyed as Merlin looked about ready to beat Charlie. No doubt he would have actually taken a swing, had Gazelle not quietly come up behind the five and whispered: “Cameras begin rolling in one minute.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Roxy wheezes, jumping at the sudden noise. “I need to put a bell on you.”

Gazelle smirks, gliding away while Eggsy kisses Harry once more before they returned to their specified stations.

“Good luck!”

\-------

“What a wonderful performance by Little Mix!” Valentine laughs, clapping along with the clap track as the cameras focused back on him. “And welcome back everyone! While the cameras were off, the judges took their time to rate the cupcakes from each round, tallying up the points for the winner! Percival, if you would?”

“Thank you, Valentine,” Percival says with a nod, pushing his glasses up while he opened the results. “The rubric we graded on was as such: ten points for taste, five for creativity, and five for appearance. The total available points per cupcake is twenty, with a maximum overall score of sixty.”

“Round one was evenly matched,” Princess Tilde reads off, “though we felt that Mr. Unwin’s cupcake pulled ahead due to issues with texture in Mr. Hart’s cake. We award Mr. Unwin a score of 18; Mr. Hart with a score of 17.”

“So close,” Merlin whispers. Charlie and Roxy hold hands tightly under the tables.

“Round two was in Mr. Unwin’s favor again. We award him 19 points. Mr. Hart, though he got full marks for appearances, failed to produce a full-cooked cupcake, and was awarded 13 points,” Lancelot recites.

Harry winces, but he expected it, his cupcake had been atrocious.

“As for round three,” Percival announces, “both contestants produced amazing cupcakes for the occasion, but one stood out compared to the other. Mr. Unwin gave us a truly delicious cupcake, but we felt that he pulled back too much on the flavors, aiming for subtlety but leaving us slightly underwhelmed. We award him 17 points.”

Eggsy nods, accepting the criticisms. He hadn’t wanted to overwhelm the judges, but it seemed like that hadn’t been the best idea.

“Mr. Hart gave us a cupcake to remember, with his only fault being the addition of a candy egg that detracted from the overall pastry. For that, he was awarded 19 points.” There’s a pause. “Totaling up the three rounds, our winner, with a lead of five points, is Mr. Eggsy Unwin.”

“You won,” Roxy whispers, poking her shocked friend. “Eggsy you won.”

“Congratulations Mr. Unwin!” Valentine cries out, moving forward with the cameras and a microphone to interview the winner. Gazelle trailed behind with a large prize check, Eggsy’s legal name scrawled hazardously in the _Pay to the Order of_ portion.

“How does it feel to win?” the billionaire asks, handing the prize check to Eggsy, clapping the boy on the back.

“I didn’t think I was gonna win to be honest,” Eggsy admits, looking over at Harry, “I mean, Harry’s been doing this longer than me, and he makes good cakes, so I thought I’d be fighting the whole time. But I guess me and my team was better in the long run, and I couldn’t ask for a better team.”

Roxy and Charlie blush, waving at the cameras that quickly pan to them.

“What do you plan to do with the prize money?” Valentine questions, pointing at the prize check for the camera as if to emphasize the huge amount printed on it.

“Well, there’s a few loans to pay off,” Eggsy starts, smirking when Valentine’s face drops at the practical answer, “but I was thinking about expanding my shop. Or getting a few smaller shops. Maybe get a flat above a shop to stay at.”

“And how will that impact your newly revealed relationship with Mr. Hart here?”

“I guess I’ll be asking him to move in with me then,” Eggsy snarks, looking over his shoulder to wink at Harry.

“I’ve got no problems with that,” Harry agrees.

\-------

_#HARTWIN: BAKING UP SOME LOVE MUFFINS_

_Hey guys, Josh and Terry here with some updates on our favorite baking couple! We were the first to reveal the behind-the-scene details of Harry Hart and Eggsy Unwin’s secret relationship prior to their national reveal one year ago, and now we’re going to be the first to tell you that it’s official. PugCakes and Kingsman are merging to become Hartwin Bakery, with the couple living above the new shop in a two bedroom flat._

_As you all may know, Harry and Eggsy went back to their separate businesses after the competition, batting away hungry customers and heartbroken singles for the month after. Their businesses boomed, and they almost broke up from the stress. The Sun reported speculation that Harry was having an affair with his business partner and friend, Merlin, but Merlin personally debunked these rumors, revealing his significant other, Mr. Android actor Elyan. #Meryan?_

_#Hartwin moved in together shortly after, Roxanne Morton and Charlie Hesketh (#Choxy) took over PugCakes second shop, and business was steady. You’ve seen the photos, and we provided the lip-read transcripts, of when Harry proposed to Eggsy, and they were engaged seven months after the competition. They haven’t set a wedding date yet, but with a best friend like Roxanne Morton, and a cute, determined sister like Daisy Unwin, you can bet the planning has already begun. We wonder who will make the cake for the wedding. (And are we invited to that cake testing?)_

_Insiders told us two months ago that Harry was considering selling Kingsman, and combining his efforts with his fiancé’s , but nothing ever came to light. Until now that is._

_The name of the bakery, we’ve been informed, was inspired by us, the fans! Never did we think a poll on our website would ever matter, but there we go. Though, the thought of Hartwin seeing what we’ve written terrifies us…_

_Merlin will be the manager of the new location, with Charlie as a decorator and lead customer service. Roxanne, we’ve been told, will handle all private orders, working with customers on custom orders for weddings, birthdays, graduations…well you get the point. Eggsy and Harry will be in the back, doing what they do best, making their signature baked goods that London has come to love. (Eggsy is in charge of all gluten-free and vegan goods apparently, just as well.)_

_We don’t have much more for you all now, but we’ll be back with more news after Hartwin Bakery has had a solid business week. We bid you adieu with this picture of our favorite couple hanging out outside their new shop._

_J & T_

_[Attached: Harry Hart looking peacefully down at Eggsy as his boyfriend touches the new shop sign. A shimmering gold ring is visible on Eggsy’s ring finger, while Harry’s ring is hidden as his right hand holds Eggsy’s left.]_

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://takeanotherpieceofmyhartwin.tumblr.com)


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